God? Where is my God?


Every time I speak with my ——— , I unconsciously revisit the loss we have both suffered. The pain is unbearable for her, as it is more personal. She, bears the pain like an ornament, with exemplary dignity. I am in awe of her fortitude. Still, my mind gets plagued with questions about the truth of life & of God.

The trials and troubles of life has left no one untouched. So, how can I be excluded? I have not grown accustomed to pain, but I have learned to refocus. I have reassigned my attention to the little joys and triumphs of life. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism built into some human beings. We forget the pain and setbacks and focus on the positives. However, sometimes the scars run too deep. Even though they may heal on the surface, it takes a lifetime or more to recover fully.

When faced with such gnawing pain, we all question the existence of God. I consider myself a spiritual person more than a religious one. My faith is more inclined towards belief in a higher power residing in all humans.  Yet, when faced with such distressing situations, I question the existence of that power.

The very idea of questioning the existence of God is a shocking notion for some people. It is blasphemy or a sin to doubt the existence of God. How can one question ‘The Ultimate Reality,  The Creator’, ‘The Supreme One?’

Dare to ask this question to someone who has suffered unfathomable grief. A saint may try to find Godly logic and say, “These are God’s tests & trialsl; Death is a reality of life.” However, an anguished soul finds no solace in these words.

Seeing is believing. Everything else is just word of mouth. While passing from one mouth to ear and then to more mouths and ears there is a very good chance of getting a Chinese whisper kind of situation. Has any of us seen who gave birth to us? We never saw our actual conception or birthing. Yet how is it that we believe completely when we are told who our parents are? Imagine the distress you can cause if you grow up, and then apply your reason/ logic and ask for proof from your parents. “Papa, You have taken good care of me but now I want some concrete scientific proof that you are my father.”

Some of us might argue that we have indulgent parents documenting every aspect of life from pregnancy to every wink or wail the baby makes. Well for me infants are quite indistinguishable. How does one make out the difference between one newborn to other? They all bear the same pinched face and clenched fists. So a picture of baby can be very deceptive and can’t be considered as hardcore evidence.

Well, you may never come across such a situation in the real world where you question your parents about their identity. Except of course in cases like one Mr. ND Tiwari (a former Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh) faced. The anguish of a loving parent faced with such a query is as severe as that of a child who lived in the blissful ignorance and warmth of his/her parents’ loving shelter, until the discovery that he/she is an adopted one.

The point I am trying to drive is that the knowledge that one does not belong is painful for both the child as well as the parent. It is the pain one faces when a limb is severed from one’s body. There are many times in our lives when our belief is shaken and we being to doubt if there is someone called God. I am not talking about the Atheist who finds it difficult to see a path beyond the cloud of reason and rationality.

I am talking about the pain a believer faces when situations in life force doubt to descend upon his/her faith. Imagine the pain of a mother who has lost her child. For her, the entire world has caved in. In her world God is cruel. God has deceived his/her believer and let lawlessness and chaos reign. If the God she/he had prayed to and had faith in is good and preserves all things good, If God protects his/her children, then how can he/she make life so barren and hopeless. Such a mother will find the very foundation of her faith completely uprooted.

Would we reprimand a young widow who refuses to pray to God or believe in Him/Her after her loving partner has been snatched cruelly by fate? It takes a lot of courage for the poor to keep their faith in God as they sleep on an empty stomach and watch the corrupt. While witnessing the (though virtually for most) magnitude of loss and grief suffered by the people of Ukraine, don’t some of us wonder “Has God forsaken the people of an entire country? What bad karma has an entire population done to suffer such a fate?

All those spiritual and philosophical tenets seem like a fictitious tale told to make children happy. The entire belief system becomes topsy and turvy. Perhaps there is nothing called God or a higher power? What if God is a figment of the imagination and we are just subjects of an enormous infinite experiment by some superhuman beings? Despite these doubts, I will make a silent prayer each day and even question the power when faced with tough times. May be it is because of an ingrained habit. Maybe the only way to understand that power is through these constant conversations and questioning. Perhaps God wants to forge these conversations with us.

Minakhee Mishra

An e- commerce website that developed from an online publication.Buzzingtales features print on demand products with original artworks and designs by Minakhee. The platform still features posts on food, fashion, promotion/events food, restaurants, book reviews, entertainment, health parenting, travel, well-being and myriad issues of life and living.

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